Dance of my Inner-Relationship

Almost the eve of Shakti's departure for her UK/America trip and she asks if I would facilitate her dance class. An instinctual body reflex drags in a lungful of air as though I've just met with a bucket of ice-cold water. I have no training in facilitating a dance class. Absolutely nothing. And, for many who attend this weekly event, it is a sustenance almost as vital as the air they breath. This would be a Huge Responsibility and so of course, I say YES!

Working with what I had available to me, some intriguing experiences with the inner-relationship between my masculine and feminine played out. I received support in the form of six play-lists from prior classes along with sketchy instructions: dance facilitation join-the-dots. A little interpretation was required but since I've attended these classes since the beginning, and have often worked with Shakti, this would be no problem.

By the end of the first class I was in utter distress. My inner-masculine, feeling a weight of expectations, was convinced I'd let the entire class down miserably. Coordinating the music had proved more challenging than expected - tracks didn't stop when they should have and I managed to play one song twice. At certain moment the energy of everyone dancing seemed all over the place, reaching a rhythmic crescendo when what was expected was a tranquil flow. Disaster!

Curiously, everyone appeared extremely pleased with the outcome. Their encouragement, allowance of my lack of experience, expressed pleasure that they had this opportunity to dance, and desire to move, express and connect – these all helped to carry the class in a way I found amazingly supportive. I was applauded, congratulated, hugged and thanked. Every reason to feel that, for a first-time attempt I had done myself proud. So why did I still feel so miserable?

The answer is seemed was that I had missed out on dancing myself. This class is a space for my inner-feminine to play and express herself. With all the mistakes being made with the music most of my concentration was on the process and sorting out technical issues. My attention was too preoccupied with these to be able to let myself go into the flow and surrender of dance. If facilitation meant a masculine experience at the expense of my inner-feminine, she was not impressed.

By the end of the second class I'd turned it around and on reflection saw a lesson in the dynamic between inner-masculine and feminine. Simply allowing more of my feminine into the facilitation would not have worked. What had to happen was a greater emphasis on the masculine. The second class ran smoothly and without any concerns. I knew the play-list backwards, included everything that was to happen with the dancing and how I wanted to transition between tracks. With everything being well taken care of, my inner-feminine was free to dance and enjoy. Bliss.

Each class created a new experiences to learn and develop into this role. The final evening was special. We had miscalculated the number of classes I was to facilitate. There were six play-lists and seven evenings. What a delight, I had an opportunity to work out my own play-list. Trying not to underestimate what this would take, I gave myself an entire day to pick and order the music. This certainly was no trivial task and by class time I had something I felt would work.

Disaster, again! The music didn't sound the same when played in the context of the class. Strong rhythms coming though when I didn't expect them, inserting energy and moment where there should have been stillness. Some of the music, while being interesting to listen to, was very challenging to dance to. It appears my inner-masculine is hyper-sensitive and quite a critic.

Here's the surprise: my inner-feminine was delighted! I felt a deep sense of appreciation. There was no other way to learn than to have gone through the experience. In doing so, I had achieved the best that I could in the circumstances. In wasn't a disaster: the over-all process was held perfectly by the beginning and the ending leaving everyone with a complete experience and one they had enjoyed. I had had a wonderful day exploring music and in this acknowledgement my inner-relationship felt harmonious.

Overall this experience had taught my much and has also inspired me to develop more in this area. I look forward to embracing the next scary opportunity and hopefully I see you on the dance floor...

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